Why Pastoral Care Sometimes Hinders Growth—and How to Set Loving Boundaries
In pastoral ministry, one of my greatest joys is walking with people as they grow in Christ. I listen, pray, teach, and encourage—often in moments of deep pain. But sometimes, a relationship that began in healthy discipleship can quietly shift into something else: dependency.
What I Mean by “Dependency”
I’m not talking about the beautiful, biblical kind of dependence on Christ or healthy mutual care within the church family. I’m talking about when a person begins to lean on you—their pastor, mentor, or friend—in a way that replaces leaning on the Lord or on the body of believers as a whole.
In some cases, it may even become codependency, where both sides unintentionally reinforce the unhealthy attachment. In dependency, the burden flows mainly one way—the person becomes emotionally or spiritually reliant on a single relationship for stability, security, or identity.
It can happen slowly, and it’s rarely intentional. But left unchecked, it stunts spiritual growth for both people and can become damaging over time.
Red Flags of Unhealthy Dependency
From experience, here are a few signs that a pastoral or mentoring relationship might have drifted from healthy discipleship toward dependency:
- Constant crisis contact – The person reaches out almost every time they feel hurt, anxious, or unsure—often before they pray or seek God’s Word themselves.
- Discomfort with absence – Even brief unavailability (a day or two without response) is interpreted as rejection or abandonment.
- Exclusive trust – They resist advice to seek counsel from others, especially within their own local church.
- Role confusion – They begin to see you as a surrogate parent, sibling, or sole confidant rather than a pastor or brother/sister in Christ.
- Emotional escalation – Conversations regularly spiral into intense emotions that center on your availability rather than on Christ’s sufficiency.
- Spiritual stagnation – Their walk with the Lord doesn’t seem to progress unless you are actively leading, prompting, or explaining.
These aren’t signs to condemn someone—they’re signs to lovingly intervene before harm is done.
Why It’s Spiritually Dangerous
When we allow dependency to grow unchecked, the other person may begin to see us as their savior, refuge, or source of wisdom rather than Jesus Christ. In some cases, they may even avoid facing hard truths because our presence makes it easier to cope without real change.
For the one providing care, the danger is more subtle: we can start to feel irreplaceable, needed, or even responsible for their spiritual life. That’s a burden only the Lord can carry.
Setting Loving Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re a gift—both for the other person’s growth and for our own faithfulness. I haven’t always been good at this. But, I’ve tried to learn. Here’s how I try to set them with compassion:
- Affirm care and commitment
Let them know you love them and are praying for them. Make it clear that the boundary is about helping them grow, not about rejection. “I care deeply for you, and I want to see you grow in Christ. That means I can’t be the only person you turn to for counsel. I want to encourage you to lean into Jesus and into your church family.” - Clarify the role
Remind them that your role is to equip and point them to Christ—not to replace Him. - Encourage other connections
Direct them toward pastors, small group leaders, or mature believers in their church. Encourage them to share questions or prayer requests with those people first. - Set specific limits
Define when and how you’ll respond to messages, and what kinds of conversations you can have. - Release the outcome
They may feel hurt or even accuse you of abandonment. You can’t control that. Your responsibility is to love them, pray for them, and trust the Holy Spirit to work.
A Pastoral Encouragement
It’s not easy to walk away from an unhealthy pattern, especially when the other person is hurting. I’ve had to do this myself, and it never feels good in the moment. But Scripture reminds us:
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” – John 3:30
If we truly want someone to grow, we must sometimes step out of the way so they can see Christ more clearly. That may mean they lean on others in the body, wrestle in prayer, or search Scripture themselves before reaching out.
As shepherds, our call is to point to the Chief Shepherd. When someone moves from needing us to needing Him, even through painful boundaries, that’s not failure—it’s fruit.
Steven Bradshaw 